shut up in destiny ? fuck! (rambleonjayner) wrote in tripbook,
shut up in destiny ? fuck!
rambleonjayner
tripbook

what a strange long trip it's been...

The crowd went wild as Moe retook the stage, the good vibrations at an all time high. Second set. It would be absolutly amazing. We had stood our ground so as not to be mashed back into the wall when the room filled back up with our kind, the drunk, the stoned, the spun, the out of their minds. Ample dancing space was key.

I was staring off at the colors on the wall again, they were dancing as Moe tuned and prepared to jam out again, but there was something differant to the spinning patterns on the wall. All of the sudden the darkness took over, spiraling in until all I could see was his face.

"I can't see" voice taken with panic I mumbled.

"What?" he looked concerned, atleast I thought I could see confusion and concern in his features.

"I CAN'T SEE!" This time I screamed, but the music was drowning me out.

Blindly I groped for him and flung my arms around his comforting frame. For a second I thought I could keep from falling atleast but I felt my body go limp in his arms and slide to the floor. It was wet and I knew I had to get up but I had no control over my body. It was so dark and cold down there, and I was so alone in a room full of people. I just wanted to sleep but I knew I had to keep myself awake some how. I couldn't even tell if my eyes were open, and slowly the voices faded out and I was alone...in my head.


The crowd went wild as Moe retook the stage, the good vibrations at an all time high. Second set. It would be absolutly amazing. We had stood our ground so as not to be mashed back into the wall when the room filled back up with our kind, the drunk, the stoned, the spun, the out of their minds. Ample dancing space was key.

I was staring off at the colors on the wall again, they were dancing as Moe tuned and prepared to jam out again, but there was something differant to the spinning patterns on the wall. All of the sudden the darkness took over, spiraling in until all I could see was his face.

"I can't see" voice taken with panic I mumbled.

"What?" he looked concerned, atleast I thought I could see confusion and concern in his features.

"I CAN'T SEE!" This time I screamed, but the music was drowning me out.

Blindly I groped for him and flung my arms around his comforting frame. For a second I thought I could keep from falling atleast but I felt my body go limp in his arms and slide to the floor. It was wet and I knew I had to get up but I had no control over my body. It was so dark and cold down there, and I was so alone in a room full of people. I just wanted to sleep but I knew I had to keep myself awake some how. I couldn't even tell if my eyes were open, and slowly the voices faded out and I was alone...in my head.

I don't know how long it was, but finally I heard his voice again.

"Jayna, you have to get up, you have to stay awake"

"Shit, shit, what? huh? who?" The confusion lapsed over me as I jumped up, still blind but atleast able to move.

"Come on you need to walk up these stairs"

I lifted my foot, or tried to. I could feel what I assumed was him beside me trying to lift me up them, but the more I tried to move the less control I had over myself. I extended my hands out trying to find something, anything to give me an idea as to where I was. I felt a bar, maybe I was close to the stairs leading out?

"Jayna come on, you need to get up these stairs, I'm gonna get you out of here."

I could hear fragments of his voice but it was fading again, I was fading again. I could feel the wet floor under my collapsed frame. I could feel the lifelessness of my body, like I was only existant in my brain. Blackness and panic spread over, what if I never woke up, what if I could never see again? Would he ever forgive me for ruining such an awesome night? What the hell was happening to me and why. Patterns of blackness played over patterns of blackness, all of the sudden I felt my self being lifted, was this the end? No, some one was carrying me perhaps? I couldn't see or hear anything and had no choice but to be tossed over someones shoulder like a rag doll.

I felt my feet hit the floor, progress, one step towards conscienceness.

"Ma'm ma'm are you alright miss? What happened"

"LEAVE HER ALONE" a voice bellowed. "Give her space okay?"

"Sir we're going to have to ask you to leave"

"What the fuck? I was just trying to help, you can't crowd her, don't you folks know that? She's scared."

The yelling escalated but I didn't really mind the pandamonium, atleast I could hear. I felt a hand on my shoulder, it was his, of this I was sure. It guided me out a door I assumed because I could feel the cold bite my bare skin.

"Here, sit down, breath, drink this water." His voice sounded a little more relieved now that I was walking again.

I did sit, and ineptly put the bottle to my lips. It felt so foriegn and unatural. Slowly bits of color wove their way back into my vision. The city appeared neon, it was shifting under my feet even though I was sitting, it was pulsating and melting like copper.

"I can see" a wave of relief surged through my body. Even if I was still hallucinating, I could see.

"You can?"

"I can see, I can see, sorta." I shivered, it was freezing, but cold air had never felt so good.

"Just tell them you're diabetic okay? You went into diabetic shock, alright?"

"What are you talking about? Why do I have to tell them that?" I could understand why I couldn't tell the truth, I couldn't breath, I couldn't see, and I fainted. Claustrophobia isn't a crime.

"Just do it if they ask okay?"

"Alright" I smiled weakly.

He put his arm around me and I leaned into his embrace. Just then the man who's voice I recognized as the one who was yelling at the staff came over.

"Thankyou" John said.

"I was just trying to help you, he said looking into my eyes. They didn't understand you shouldn't be crowded, I was just trying to get you some fresh air and space, those fucking pigs. I got kicked out."

I wasn't sure what he'd done but by the look on Johns face I could see that man was a blessing, possibly my savior. "I'm sure you did, I mean, I don't know what happened, but I believe you, you have an honest face. I'm sorry you got kicked out."

"Yeah that wasn't right" said John.

"Yeah" the man said. "Don't worry, this will all be over in a hour or two, I've been in your place before."

"I know" I said indignantly. Between the million times people asked me if I was okay, and that I felt like no one believed me or thought I knew what I was doing. I suppose I could empathize with their concern but my words were still valid.

"Let's walk" I said, the hallucinations were calming down and I was too cold to sit still.

We walked down the street a bit, he looked at me pupils the size of platters but clearly scared and full of compassion.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes"

"You're sure"

"Yes I'm sure why don't you believe me?"

"Hey you alamost died in there cut me some slack, I just have to make sure."

We were both still out of our minds, I couldn't blame him I suppose. He must have been so scared.

"I'm so sorry i put you through this" I cried.

"It's okay, I was just so scared."

"You have no idea."

We headed back to the door, but they made us wait to go back inside. By this time I was shivering uncontrollably because I'd left my sweatshirt inside. They wouldn't even let us stand inside the door. Finally warmth poured over me. We started back down but I stopped. I couldn't go back down there. I didn't want to look at all the faces who'd seen what I couldn't even recall. We sat down against the wall.

"You okay?"

"Yes"

"Then why are you crying?"

"There's a whole part of my life I can't account for, I'm still trippin, and that was as scary as hell."

"Yeah..."

Two girls carrying beers walked down the stairs and headed over to us. The blonde one sat down beside me and propped her head on my knee. She was a vision, truely.

"I saw what happened down there" she said sweetly. "and when you were walking outside, and it really concerned me. But I can see you two love eachother very much, and that's beautiful. You're so lucky to ahve eachother."

"Thankyou" I smiled about ready to bawl again.

She stared into my eyes and smiled then got up and walked away with her friend.

The music was so beautiful and we danced and danced our silly dances to the amusement of the drunks near us but I was exausted so we headed back to the car. We didn't really know how to get home, but winging it didn't seem too bad compared to the nights events. It was a silent sadness fear and love that gripped us as the Grateful Dead strummed it slowly away. I kept crying silently to myself, so scared, so overwhelmed, with too much and too little on my mind at once. I grabbed his hand, and he squeezed it tight in his, and I just knew how beautiful he was. Amazing, wonderful, selfless. He had saved me, he had kept me sane, and he was still here. He had told me what happened.

I was still freezing so he offered me his sweatshirt. It was difficult for me to put on for some reason, it was like any other sweatshirt, but for some reason the concept seemed new to me. It made me think of how we fit together, we're both people but we have to find out how to clothe eachother, fit into eachother. It also made me think of how I read too much into everything, but it was a comforting thought because, eventually I did get the sweatshirt on. It was warm and it smelled like him, and it made me smile.

Scraps of conversation dribbled out, but we were both so tired and relieved at the same time it didn't really matter what was said as long as there was communication. We went back to his house and lye on his couch half watching tv, half savoring every moment we were alive together.

Finally I could talk about what happened. I could describe it in bits and peices and he filled in the blanks. That man had seen him struggling to get me out, and he had picked me up and threw me over his shoulder and taken me out. The kindness of strangers is the only reason I'm alive right now. Little gestures like getting me to fresh air and the kind intoxicated girl had made such a horrible experiance tolerable and less scary.

"For a minute there I thought you were dead"

"I was dead."

"I'd never come close to death before, but holding your lifeless body in my hands was...I was so scared. There was no form to your body, you were like jelly. I said your name and you sprung back to life for a munute, but then you fainted again. I don't know about chemicals any more"


"Yeah, it's like we're trying to transcend some barrier onto another plane, but we're just not ready for it."

"We're pushing ourselves into these altered consciounessess expecting our bodies to take it, and it all seems fine until we can't."

"I've had that realization before but every time it hits me like a ton of bricks. Why do we keep striving to expand our conscious mind with substance instead of knowledge. What happens if we pus ourselves too far..."

"Yeah, everything I do leaves something imprinted on my brain. I just don't know anymore, I'm glad you're alive though."

"Me too."

I smiled up and him and he kissed me soft. He threw on his dads jacket, he was quite the sight, in his flannel pj's and windbraker. It was like looking into the future seeing him as an older man. I walked over and threw my arms around him and we stood there for 3 minutes locked in eachother. He felt so small and weathered. We'd been through alot that night, but I think it will make us closer. I think it will make us appreciate the life we have.

We left the house to take me back home. Grateful dead still rocking out on the cd player.

"I've always loved the grateful dead, they're like comfort food for the brain." I smiled. They put a good vibe through my body.

"Yeah I don't listen to them much, but when I do it's euphoric."

"Hey, you know what I could really go for right now?" I grinned reaching into the back seat.

"You're rootbeer?"

"Ohhh yey-ah."

His mom has it in her mind that rootbeer is my favorite soda and always forces one on me when I walk in the door. I have a new found respect for rootbeer now. We passed it back and forth like a real brew, only it hit the spot far better in this situation.

We pulled into my driveway, this time I actually had something to thank him for, and I had no idea how to thank him enough. We kissed goodbye, and I slowly walked into my house and collapsed on my bed.

Wake up to realize that you are the eyes of the world. - That line plays over and over again in my head now...

 

Eyes Of The World - the gratfeul dead


Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world
But the heart has its beaches, its homeland and thoughts of its own
Wake now discover that you are the song that the morning brings
But the heart has its seasons, its evenings and songs of its own

*

Sometimes we live no particular way but our own
And sometimes we visit your country and live in your home
Sometimes we ride on your horses, sometimes we walk alone
Sometimes the songs that we hear are just songs of our own

  • Post a new comment

    Error

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

  • 1 comment